Stand back prognosticating- wannabes! Let the real master of futuristic navel-gazing tell you what will really happen in the coming year!
- Chuck Muth, who hates America because he deserted the Nevada Republican Party of purists like me and my pal Jimbo Gibbons, will admit that he is unbalanced! Oh, wait, he already has. Check it out.
- Chuck Muth also expounds–for the 20th time or so–on how Jimbo can get his mojo back. (NN?&V) The only problem: Muth's plan would require the Gube to show up at the office before 2pm. Although…the idea of Gibbons pushing another voter initiative ain't bad. Gibbons always needs one of those to get out the base in close elections. How about one called "Divorce First"? It would require legislators to grant governors unopposed divorces prior to passage of any legislation during the biennial legislative session. It would also allow governors to form a "milf-money" political "action" fund to solicit contributions for the gube's dating expenses.
- Note, too, how naive Chuck is. He's worried about the Gibbons divorce trial being loud and long. Come on. That's what the special session is for: to provide a distraction from the trial.
- Okay, okay. None of those was really a prediction. So, here we go: Review-Journal/Las Vegas Sun will shrink to the size of a postage stamp by November, 2010. Publishers will hand out electron microscopes to the last two remaining subscribers so they can follow the hilarious adventures of Marmaduke.
- Brian Sandoval will be run out of the reconstituted Teabagger-Conservative-Republican Party of Nevada on a rail when a Swedish birth certificate purportedly belonging to the ex-judge appears on the Internets. The name appearing on the document? Sven Hussein Borschtspitzer.
- Police will discover a phone book in a shoebox attached to the gas tank of Rory Reid's Yugo. Suspicions that governor Jim Gibbons was responsible will remain unproven after Sig Rogich takes a short break from designing a "Station-Wagon Sue" bumper sticker and steps in to short-circuit the investigation. Gibbons' alibi? He was searching for his hotel room key card when the shoebox was placed.
- Gibbons' spokester Dan Burns will sue the state's new website on stimulus spending for defamation and calling him a liar. (RJ) The website and Mr. Burns will settle out of court after the governor unilaterally appoints a "website" czar to "fix" the "discrepancy".
- U.S. District Court will not allow Clark County Commissioner Tom Collins to vote on any commission matters in 2010 due to myriad conflicts of interest. (RJ) Mr. Collins will blame it all "on the damn turtles", referring to widespread reports of attacks on construction companies by mutant ninja desert tortoises.
There you have it, and the real 2010 will probably be just as exciting.