Nobody showed up to the unveiling of the official portrait of the World’s Most Forgettable Governor the other day. (Sun) No doubt the most shocking aspect of the portrait was not that the Gube was wearing clothing, but that he wasn’t wearing the turtleneck that was so emblematic of his Hefner-esque stay in the Playboy Carson City mansion.
Still I wouldn’t want the occasion to pass without some notoriety. So, I offer here yet another in a series of depictions showing how the portrait should have been created to show the inner Gibbons:
I should also mention that something odd happened to my edition of the Sun the other day. It showed the following picture of the Gib-unveiling:
The Sun just hasn’t been the same since it lost all the money in the Stations Casino meltdown, has it?
December 21st, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments are closed
The Gibbons-fail post-mortems are starting to trickle in, and one particularly obnoxious contribution dripped from the lips of one former Gibboid:
Even supporters noted that Gibbons had a chilly relationship with some media, state lawmakers and lobbyists.
“But that’s Jim Gibbons,” Uithoven said. “He was never one of the good ol’ boys. He didn’t like them, and they didn’t like him, and he kind of liked it that way.
“There is a lot of faking in politics, and Gibbons wasn’t the kind of guy to fake how he felt about you,” Uithoven said. “Those people involved in state politics have a pretty good idea of what Gibbons thought of them. A lot of other governors have been able to hide that.” (RGJ)
Oh, sniff! The reason Gibbons failed was he was just too authentic! Just too maver-icky for the jaded Nevada elites! Sniff.
Bull-hockey. The Gibbons Gube campaign in 2006 was constructed out of pure, un-pasteurized fake, as have been the last three or four gubernatorial anointings. At least since Guinn first ran, Nevada elites have selected their candidate well in advance and sold a carefully constructed simulacrum to an apathetic electorate. Jon Ralston could easily put out editions of his book the Anointed One for the first Gibbons’ campaign and Sandoval’s by simply doing a global search and replace: substituting “Sandoval” or “Gibbons” for “Guinn” throughout the text. The only reason the elites deserted Gibbons was that he made himself unelectable through sheer ineptitude and an Ahab-like obsession with his marriage.
As for Gibbons being a maverick, that was the most cynical invention of the Gibbons’ mythos–if one can speak of a Gibbons’ mythos without breaking into hysterics. Gibbons was a lock-step Republican stuffed-shirt throughout his tenure in the House. He could always be relied upon to support the party line no matter how crooked that line was. Back home, he was the first of the Nevada delegation in line to cozy up to Reno elites to trade campaign contributions for fast-track earmarking for Nevada projects. How soon we forget eTreppid and Sierra Nevada Corp.
Still, I suppose if folks want to start lying about the Gibbons-years, well, they will just be contributing to a tradition that is at least 15 years old already.
You know, it wasn’t just over a year ago that brave Nevada punditry would punch and elbow each other for the smallest chance to take a stab at the World’s Worst Guberator’s latest misadventures. Why, back then there was a divorce, passels of paramours, sexting and napping through legislative sessions. Why even now the gov is still filled with high jinx, like the Gube’s odd policy of not allowing Gube staff to talk to legislators lest the Interim Finance Committee wrest yet another crumb of the Guber’s fading powers from his impotent, webbed hands.
Nowadays, however, there is such a collective desire to be rid of our one-trick gov, that no one can even muster the least guffaw at the news of the governor’s unfortunate accident from atop a horse. Granted, the Reno Gazette Journal did make a half-hearted attempt: they interviewed, rather bizarrely, a rodeo cowboy doctor concerning the Gube’s injuries, a decision which causes one to wonder if the editors were inviting us to think of the governor as the state’s rodeo clown.
No, maybe not. Surely the editors at the RGJ could never muster that much subtlety.
Granted, too, that it would be utterly tasteless to guffaw at the Gube while he is in, we are told, considerable pain. Very true indeed, except for the fact that the last four years have felt as if the governor were guffawing at us while we were in considerable pain, what with his incessant refusal to do anything to help hurting Nevadans during the downturn except yell “no new taxes,” smirk at his heartless, crazed base, and fumble the management of fed stimulus funding. Indeed that incessant bleating of “no new taxes” has poisoned the current gube race to the point that neither candidate dares suggest any kind of policy that would actually have any effect on the economic crisis. The Gibbons’ Legacy leaves us with two gutless candidates scrambling to out-Gibbons Gibbons on the trite and brain-numbing no-new-taxes pledge.
Perversely, Gibbons could in fact turn it all around. Just like only Nixon could go to China, only Gibbons could break the log-jam in Nevada government by proposing even in this late hour rational tax reform for the state. A sit-down with Steven Horsford and a move to turn Horsford’s goofy stakeholder’s thing into something real could reset the Gube race and Nevada’s hopes for recovery.
Naturally Gibbons has chosen instead to continue his short-sighted partisanship, supporting a party that long ago tossed him into the trash heap of history while pursuing his lifestyle of visiting the ranches of the juiced well-to-do to ride their prize ponies so hard he falls on his ass.
I think Nevada residents should certainly wish the Gov a painless and successful recovery. I also think they can be forgiven for quietly hoping that it take a little extra time–at least until we have safely passed January first.
Now, who’s in favor of another midnight swear in?
September 25th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments are closed
If you’re like me, I’m sure the first person who comes to mind when you’re looking for someone to set the highest standards of proper behavior and social mores is none other that James Tiberius Gibbons, one time Guberator of the former state of Nevada.
Yup, we’ve all learned how to behave like proper Nevada gentlefolk from the Gibster. Why he’s no doubt encouraged many a Nevada lad and lassie to use the boss’s Blackberry to sext up extra-spousal partners, taught them that the only way to divorce is to divorce ugly, and that the whole point of gaining a position of power is perpetual partisan pandering with a healthy dash of mindless sloganeering.
So, if you’re like me, you were no doubt thrilled down to your very toes to hear the Guv offer his advice about Nevada’s most burning non-issue: how to pronounce the state appellation, viewable above. (NNB,Sun)
Still, it is surely fitting that the issue be throughly reported and analyzed. After all, any sentence containing the words Nevada and economy naturally spurs thoughts of apocalypse and nightmare, so, naturally, nobody wants to talk or read about that, especially anyone who might actually be in a position to do something nothing about it. Besides, what else can one report about the Gube? That he first was against, and is now in favor, of accepting the latest round of stimulus funds? That he’ll fill out the application form with crayon and feces, dooming its acceptance? How many times can one report on the same thing?
So, yes, dear media machine feed me trivia about how to pronounce the former state’s name. It will serve well as the sobriquet of the nation’s first Ghost State–the nation’s very own Rhyolite–no matter how it’s pronounced.
The first Depression had Fred and Ginger to distract folks from their woes. We have: Jim Gibbons.
Jim Gibbons and Brian Sandoval Suffering from Invisibility Malady
A strange illness originally seen in the Nevada Governor’s office in Carson City is now spreading through the campaign sites of several prominent Republican candidates.
The malady,whose main symptom appears to be an astounding loss of visibility, was first reported when no one could quite determine the location of the putative Gube of Nevada, one James Tiberius Gibbons, during a recent meeting of the state prison board.
“It was as if he didn’t show up at all,” explained a staffer working for Nevada Secretary of State Ross Miller, who wished to remain anonymous due to lack of ontological standing. “Why, the A[ttorney] G[eneral Catherine Cortez Masto] and Ross simply vote for whatever they want, just like Gibbons were invisible or something.” The staffer was referring to a recent decision by the prison board, which consists of the Governor, the Secretary of State, and Attorney General, where a proposal by Gibbons to close a prison was voted down. (RJ)
The strange illness was soon found to be spreading throughout the Nevada’s administrative branch of state government as staffers suddenly failed to appear at Legislative budget reviews. (RJ,Sun) “It wasn’t that they didn’t attend,” insisted one staffer on promise of anonymity due to chronic incorporeality, “they were freaking invisible, man!”
Reports are now coming in that Guberatorial candidate Brian Sandoval, rumored to be the Guberator’s missing twin brother, has also been overcome with the disease, as an extensive man-hunt has failed to pinpoint his exact location. Some doctors speculate the Mr. Sandoval may also be suffering from nodebateitus, an illness that sometimes overcomes candidates lacking anything interesting to say besides “no new taxes.” “Sandoval and Mr. Gibbons seem to have that lack of meaningful budgetary policy in common,” said a pundit from UNLV who wished to remain anonymous because he was moving to a school that actually has pay checks.
The strange disease manifested itself at a recent meeting of the Nevada State Republican party where prominent Republicans John Ensign, and Dean Heller, as well as Jim Gibbons, could not be seen. Asked why he wasn’t invisible, Mayor Oscar Goodman, who was attending the meeting but no one knew why, replied, “Ha. There’s more gin than blood in my veins, newbie! Ain’t a bug alive that could live in there for two seconds!”
Francis Plutarch III, who was attending the convention, added, shaking his head, “You silly liberal press. You just don’t get it. If you want to see any of the candidates, simply hold a couple of teabags over your eyes! Poof, like magic! You’ll see anything you want!”
Reports are now coming in that the Guberator is planning to make his almost ex-wife disappear as well, given that the Reno house is about to be sold. (Sun) Selling the house was a condition of the couple’s divorce settlement. “The invisibility of the Gibbons can’t come soon enough for Nevadans,” said one disreputable blogger, who hardly needs to be named.
The Nevada Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Reno Gazette-Journal in its lawsuit against putative Nevada governor Jim Gibbons. Gibbers will be required to hand over papers about his mysteriously disappearing gun permit. (RGJ)
You all will no doubt dimly recall that there were questions about how Gibbons was able to obtain a concealed weapons’ permit without completing all of the required training in 2008. Gibbons later gave up the permit when his lack of training became public. And then there’s this intriguing, cryptic sentence from the Associated Press:
[Washoe County Sheriff Mike] Haley has declined to comment on the status of Gibbons’ permit and has interpreted the confidentiality law so broadly that he also won’t discuss whether his office took action against the firearms instructor who improperly signed off on Gibbons’ weapons proficiency test in order for him to obtain the permit. (AP)
Gibbons has quite the record from corrupting law enforcement officials throughout the state, don’t he? There was the Clark County Sheriff and the District Attorney who got splattered by the mud from the garage grope, and then there was that Nevada Public Safety guy who lost all the guns and drugs. And staff in-kind contributions to the campaign and the Gube’s private suit against health care, and the missing sexting logs, and the inappropriate firings, and, and and.
Despite all the racket about Gøøberner Jim Gibbons and the staff digging in for five months of payback hell as the putative Gube wreaks his revenge on his defenseless constituents, it really looks like the staff isn’t really making much of an effort. Just consider the latest attempt at an attack on the Interim Finance Committee by a Jimbo spokester:
“Illegal, unconstitutional government bodies should not be threatening state employees with jail time,” Gibbons spokesman Dan Burns said. “They should be helping state employees serve the people.” (Sun)
A malapropic sentence worthy of the Guberner, hisself, seems to me. After all, it seems strange to exhort an illegal, unconstitutional government body to help people, don’t it? If the body is really illegal, wouldn’t a more appropriate response be for the Gube’s office to send in the State Police or something?
But, then again, the Gov probably really doesn’t want to attract the attention of the state police. What with the staff illegally working on one of Gibbons’ private initiatives and all.
Jim Gibbons and his crew apparently have decided to take the rest of the state out with them in a vengeful reign of terror not seen since somewhere around the time of the Roman emperor Nero.
No, I’m sorry. That’s hardly a fair analogy. To Nero. Nero set fire to Rome in order to rebuild some slums. Jim Gibbons seems to just want to set fire to the state for repudiating his crazy ideas by bitch-slapping him in the primary.
Today, a bipartisan collection of state senators politely called the gov an asshole for threatening to block information to the Interim Finance Committee, a committee the Gube and a few malcontents on the far right believe is unconstitutional. (Sun)
Of course, if the state senate had a majority of Republicans in it, no doubt Gibbons wouldn’t have a problem with it.
Even Bob Raggio and Pete Goicoechea signed off on a letter telling the Gøøber that he will breach his constitutional duty if he fails to cooperate fully with the IFC.
Just like when Gibbons fled the House, where he was under investigation for ethics violations, and when he fled that parking garage, the Gov apparently wants to leave his final office one step ahead of the authorities.
Hey, it’s not too late to impeach, guys!
Elsewhere, the Interim Finance Committee followed up on a recommendation from the State Board of Examiners to waste $20,000 on a portrait of Nevada’s worst guberator. (NNB,RJ) One can only wonder what the committee was thinking, unless they hoped that the artist would chose a Laocoon-based theme for the portrait, as I did above, depicting the Gube in everlasting torment, crushed by large, phallic objects.
Frankly, one would be hard pressed to think of a greater waste of state funds than for the Gibbons’ portrait. Surely anything in the state budget would take priority. Like test tubes for UNLV, or TP for legislative bathrooms.
Unless, of course, Michael Fischer of the Cultural Affairs Department decides to pick me for the artist. Then, I would hardly be able think of a better use for the money. Hey, I’m just a principled as the Gøøber!
How about the one to the left, Mike?
Meanwhile, Secretary of State Ross Miller not-so-politely called Gibbons an asshole, or more particularly, a “petulant 15-year-old” at the prison panel meeting. Oddly, the Gube seemed to agree:
When Miller made the motion to halt — at least temporarily — the move by Skolnik to close the prison, Gibbons asked for him to define what he meant.
Miller responded by saying anyone with common sense knows what halting a move to close the state prison means, and those who claim they don’t understand were playing political games and behaving like a “petulant 15-year-old.”
Meanwhile, remember that guy that Gibbons hired to be stimulus czar after the legislature and the State Controller picked the woman who accused Gibbers of firing her over the text-messaging thing to be their stimulus czar and he got all pissy about it? And remember how that guy turned out to be pretty much incompetent?
Me neither, but a day or two ago the Gube announced that the stimulus czar was supposed to leave, and a day later, he’s back. You know, like a bad penny.
Bizarrely, the IFC–the committee Gibbons wants to kill–voted to fund both stimulus positions for over $200,000. (RJ)
Man, that IFC is full of masochists, ain’t it? I suppose they can take the money out of unemployment benefits or something.
Hey, that’s what we do in Vegas! We move in for a few days, find out how screwed the place is, and then we move out.
This time I’m moving into more permanent digs, though 10 years on Vote Gibbons Out is an eternity on the Internets. They are more permanent in the sense that the target will be more permanent. Instead of poking fun at Gibbons, I’ll be poking fun at the State of Nevada. There is certainly an infinite supply of absurdity there.
I hear tell that you will be picking an artist for the official portrait of Nevada guberator and Chief Scallywag Jim Gibbons. (NNB)
I myself cannot think of a dumber waste of state funds during these trying times. However, if you insist on wasting money on such a dumbass project, my I suggest that you send me the money, and I’ll Photoshop something up in a jiffy which will sum up the Gibbons gubeocracy to a “T”.
The above is just a sample, showing the Gøøber as a clueless David with a napkin hat while putative GOP insiders anoint Brian Sandoval behind his back.
True, Gibbers looks like an idealized fantasy of himself, but then that’s what the whole last 4 years have looked liked to the Gube, as far as I can tell.
Let me know if you want to follow up on my suggestion.